Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
