I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
