I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
