I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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