I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
