That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Found the puke drawer
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
