I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
