i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
