i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
