i jhust puked up my retainher.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
