Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
