**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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