who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
