Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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