But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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