i just sent this text using only my big toe
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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