First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
