I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
