I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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