never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Sorry about my life...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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