My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
