Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
