Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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