Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
