I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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