I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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