I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
