Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
