Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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