I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
