i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
