Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
