I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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