My liver just broke up with me...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
