I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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