I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
