Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
