I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
