So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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