She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
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He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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