I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
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