hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
