Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
