Your dad touched me again.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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