seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
