Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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