i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
