When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
