Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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