Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
