Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
