I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
