If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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